Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Good morning

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?