Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You Might Also Like
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
love it when they get my name right
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations