Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
applying for a new job
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)