Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.