me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Friends that check up on you >
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”