me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE