Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.