Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is