Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
You wish you had this many chins.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.