Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward