Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO