Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Sign of the day..

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”