Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Ugh

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

True statement👍😏😁