Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.