Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave