Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.