Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Very good news from my accountant
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.