[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
wow
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
oh you wanna fight?!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?