Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.