Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Probably my best painting.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
an octopus is just a wet spider
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce