Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
You Might Also Like
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”