Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives