Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
pictures of spider-man
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.