Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda