me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…