me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Twitter remains undefeated
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”