me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
cats when you pet them too long:
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher