Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep