Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese