Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Bloody internet 😳
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.