Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.