Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
That de-escalated quickly
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
m’lady
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.