me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful