Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

that wasn’t the question

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.