Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Very problematic

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Noah was an idiot.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.