ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
A fake ID that makes you younger
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”