ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?