Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth