Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Best spot.. 😅

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house