ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.