Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
You Might Also Like
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”