Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.