Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
when revenge coincides with naptime
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
prepare for carbonated trouble
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.