Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends. Ginger ale for my friend Craig he has a tummy ache right now Craig why are you even at this party
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”
OMG THIS IS SO ME
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?
I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.