🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to
*throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster*
oh, well this is going to be difficult