Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶


“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.


Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps


4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.


How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?


I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.


I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school


Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?


wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to
*throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster*
oh, well this is going to be difficult