Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: