Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

*files a restraining order against reality*

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Great acting.. 😂

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

mom gave me mine for free

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them