Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

The glockness monster

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.