Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just me?

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

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( • – •) /
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Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.