me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
in the ocean
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it