me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You Might Also Like
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Brb my Sims are getting married
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.