Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what