Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

The French cow says MEUX…

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.