Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

Before & after 😅

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Not helping

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason