Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Do not steal food from the science building!

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.