me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster