@mrjohndarby

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

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@jazmasta

I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.

@junejuly12

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

@enigmaticmess

Him: Have you ever been so drunk that you…
Me: Yes
Him: But I didn’t finish…
Me: The answer is yes

@Megatronic13

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@WheelTod

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

@SondraDeeMe

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

@MNateShyamalan

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”