ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The Punning Dead.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school