Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Barbie gone wild

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Danger is very dangerous

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people