Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.