Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my friends:

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

White Castle for the Win

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.