Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.