Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.