Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean