Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
When you’ve simply given up.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.