Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
This is my favorite one of these!
⛄️
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.