Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”