Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
You had me at “define legal”.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.