Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
