Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter