Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!