Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete