Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
