Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.