Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.