Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
You Might Also Like
True
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Finally!
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on