Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
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Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”