Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
You Might Also Like
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Not helping
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable